My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The ass gains better be worth it
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