FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
