you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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