she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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