oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
