i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
