You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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