I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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