I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
