just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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