Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
