you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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