We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
