I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
