Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
