I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
