Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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