It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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