You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize