I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
