Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I need water and some morals
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
