My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
