My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
