We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
