Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
