That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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