when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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