I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
