I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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