we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
