My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I need moral support for this bender
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
