Jerry, you need to find god
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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