Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
