I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
