please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
