Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I need a beard to bite.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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