Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
