PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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