She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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