i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His hands were made for my vagina.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you had me at cake vodka
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
MIDGETS
????
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
