Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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