Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
