Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
