Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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