so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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