That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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