My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
worst night to have a conscience
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
