Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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