I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
