Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In the future we'll all be gay
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize