We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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