This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
