i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize