in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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