After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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