Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
