Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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