I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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