Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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