i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
