In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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