I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
