You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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