Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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