Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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