I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
