Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
